'And there will come a time, you'll see, with no more tears'

A year ago today I found out I had cancer. I can remember so much of that moment (or moments) clearly...standing at the front door while Mark hugged me, kids sitting in the car waiting to head out to a music class party and then fireworks...no idea that life was about to change....the phone call to my mom...the text to my best friends...the message to my sweeties that said " I talked to my doctor 30 min ago...i have breast cancer. I don’t want to talk right now" ...if I close my eyes it feels like that all happened just minutes ago. . . . but it has been a year. It has been quite a year...ups, downs and even sideways of a year. I have lost friends but I have gained new (amazing) ones. I have found out that some of the friends I had are amazing, better than I could ever hope for. I have discovered that not only am I stronger than I knew but so are my husband and kids. 



I tried so hard not to be a mess today but to tell you the truth...I couldn't help it. I found myself giving the kids a talk on the way to the bounce house about how mommy is a little moody today and it is not their fault and it is not fair of me to ask them to work harder at being better because of my lack of patience but I was just having a hard day. I must of stopped myself from full on crying at least a dozen times, tears in my eyes willing them not to fall. I felt like a wimp, here I am a year out from bad news but cancer free and no matter how hard I try to focus on all the amazing things that have happened over the last year...instead it is all the bad, sad and confusing emotions that swirl in my chest. It's silly right? I am cancer free, I beat it ...at least for now...hopefully forever but today no matter how many smiles I plastered on my face I felt like crying. 

Another survivor made me feel less like a wimp by telling me ...it takes time before this is a normal day...but Mark says today is what you make it. They are both right in a way. I focused on making it a good day and in the end it was an amazing day but it was not a normal day...there were too many emotions involved. 

There was a good article I posted today (if you did not see it: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/erika-lade/cancer-friendship_b_3539970.html)...it said something that rang true to me 'When you finish treatment, that is when things get even more difficult, in some ways, because you begin to try to figure out a few things, namely a) what the hell just fucking happened b) how do I continue a normal life now and c) how do I grapple with the notion of recurrence and every ache and pain sending one into an obliteration of anxiety.

And when you are done with treatment, that is when cancer becomes intensely isolating, because a notion of post-treatment care in our current healthcare paradigm is non-existent and everyone in your support circle is just glad you are done and wants to move on from the nightmare that just happened to you. And you want this so badly too, but unfortunately the cancer cloud looms heavy over you and you cannot simply forget and move on. It is part of you.'

That is so true. As much as I want to go back to being just Holly...there is so much more to me now. . .So much swirling inside. Emotions I have dealt with, emotions I have avoided, thoughts, fears...it is all part of me. 

In the end what I can really focus on to relieve this knot in my soul... is much like the end of my day...the happiness that came from it, the friends, the support and the love. Yes, I lost friends during this...sometimes not even their fault, but the way I had to deal with things. But I gained so much more. I gained this feeling of love that came from the people that were exactly where I needed them to be and that supported me in large and small ways. This support that came from people that were beside me every single day and the support that came from people that I didn't even realize were there...thinking about me. . .the support that came after the storm from people who understood and the support that keeps me standing strong every day. 

The end of my day today was exactly what I needed it to be full laughter, love, happiness and support. Thank you to all that were there and to those that were there in spirit. 

F Cancer.