Sunday, July 29, 2012

Surprise....I am loved

I had lousy friends when I was younger. Friends that took turns stabbing you in the back, fair weather friends that could never be relied on, friends that used me for their own gain, friends that stole from me....or I guess you can say....not really friends. I cried myself to sleep more times than I would like to admit, praying to God..."just let me find ONE, ONE good friend that will be there for me and I promise I will be the best person you could imagine....Please God just one friend".

It makes me cry when I think back to those days, how alone I felt surrounded by groups of friends. Around high school I started to make better friends, but I didn't know what to do with them....I had been surrounded by such lousy friends for so long, I think I had forgotten how to be a good instead I bounced from clique to clique....never really staying with the same people for too long. I had good friend through this point (so if you are reading this know I did know that), I just didn't really know how to be a good friend so I just kind of kept my distance.

Over the past 5 years or so, I know this had changed...I got better at being a good friend to those who were good friends to me, I learned to open up, I learned to be myself and love those that were all weather friends. And slowly I made even better friends...friends who were good friends became great friends, ones I know that will be my friends for the rest of my life. New friends appeared and graced my life with so much love and support. I knew I had friends and I knew things had changed since I was that little kid crying for a good friend....but I think I kinda took it for granted...or at least never really stopped and thought about it.....until I was diagnosed with cancer.

Lately I have been thinking a lot about how lucky I am to have so many amazing people in my life. It is easy to have friends but still be not be sure that you are important to still not be sure that you matter. To tell you the truth when I decided to announce that I had cancer, I expected a few "I am sorry"s....a few hugs...but I never imagined the amount of support and love I have been showered with. I have said more than a dozen times that I wish everyone that was going through cancer got to feel this loved and this supported. The cards in the mail, the emails, text messages....daily I am reminded that I am important, that I am loved. I guess part of that little kid still lived inside me, because where I knew I had great friends...I never really thought about being loved by them and important to them. I guess part of me always thought that .......well that they were more important to me than I was to them. Part of that insecure kid still was inside my heart. But every day now I am reminded how lucky I am. How amazing my family is, my friends life is. I can not tell you all enough how great you all are. Even the messages on my blog from strangers make me feel important. It is one of the positive side effects of marriage is stronger, I am a better mother, my relationship with my family is stronger, and I realize that I have friends that LOVE ME. These things make it hard to sit around and feel sorry for myself....who can feel sorry for themselves with all this....cancer or no cancer. I am a happier person these days because I have such great support.

Now with all that mushy stuff out of the way....let me tell you about my day: (I am going to copy and paste my post in sweeties because it saves me time)

I have never been so surprised in my life. Friday when Nancy asked my to baby sit on Sunday Mark said "yes, but we have to be done wat 11:30 because we have an appointment" and I said "for what" which he said "just something I want to show you"...I had grand dreams he was going to surprise me with a bike. I started day dreaming about riding me new bike to the park with the kids. Then this morning when I went down stair to confirm our plans Mark started talking about how he is so excited to take me to this cigar shop (WHAT???) so we can look at these custom made humidors for his office (insert dreams crashing to the ground). Mark said "Holly, these are custom made, it will make my office looks so much nicer and high end"....Needless to say I started to get annoyed and then grumpy and quite perturbed. I said fine, "I will go look at humidors with you but if you are going to spend a few hundred dollars on something you don't need then there better be a bike for me in it" (Mark said at this point he started to think I had caught on and panicked...but I sure had not). I asked him where the cigar place was and he said wheat ridge so I stomped right upstairs and started emailing every person selling a bike near wheat ridge (10 in all). Mark had me good too, I showed him a used bike I found in Wheat Ridge and showed it to him telling him "this is nothing like I want but I guess it is cheap" and Mark said "well it might be all you get so maybe we should swing by and look at it" ...(insert last hopes of him buying me a bike crashing to the ground). So off we went to Wheat Ridge. Mark says I made his job easy. I was talking to him about Bikes on craigslist and one bike was too small so Mark said "why don't we look up bike shops in Wheat Ridge and see if we can find one to go into and get we know what size bike you will fit". I found a used bike shop to which he replied "hmmm I don't trust used bike shops" I said How about this Wheat Ridge Cyclery" ...(I think Mark was thinking BINGO) but he said "how about we give it a try". We go into WRC and start looking around for cruisers and all the sudden Maddie yells "Ellie" and I said "Maddie that's not Ellie." But then I notice it is Ellie, oh and Theresa and who is that girl beside Theresa .....Liz????? My first thought was "What the hell they are having playdates now and don't invite me. No lie that was my first thought! I said "what are you guys doing here" ...and I don't remember who said it ... I think it was Mark that said "Holly look at the balloons...(so the store put out balloons and flowers on their bikes...okay)....then he said "they bought you a bike" and I was totally confused ....totally shocked...I don't know how long it took me to get it...a few tears, I was shaking and kept saying " I can't believe you surprised me like that" ...I was just in a state of shock. I didn't know what to say but Thank You and I kept having to stop myself from continually just crying. It really started sinking in when the sales guy kept talking to me about "andrea this and andrea that" (slow me thought, dummy he doesn't even know her name is liz...until the shock subsided and I really realized what was going on). Mark told me about Heather W contacting him about it. My Sweeties* bought me a bike.I am still completely flabbergasted. It was such a complete surprise. I can not wait to go pick it up this week. Thank you so much.

*Sweeties is the online group that I joined when pregnant with Maddie over 4.5 years ago. Unlike most pregnancy groups we did not bicker and fight...we became great friends. We have remained great friends all this time, we have a group page where we go to for support, to vent, to share happy events and so much more. They really are some of my closest friends. I have met a LOT of them face to face but not all of them (as we are scattered all over the US and one in Canada). I can not imagine my life with out these amazing mamas in it.

Friday, July 27, 2012


Agh....Blake is driving me patience is in short supply. He keeps biting his sister. After like the 20th time this morning I actually sunk to a whole new bad mom level and bit him...he cried for a second and I said "Did that hurt?" and he said "yes" and I said "was biting blake bad?" and he said "yes" ...then I said "so are you going to bite sissy again" and the little butt head leaned over and tried to bite her. So I bit him again and he laughed and said "More, more, more!". ....sigh.

Monday, July 23, 2012


Today I felt defeated. I hate to admit that, but at the same time I know there will be days like today.

One of my big goals is to keep the kids lives as normal as possible, which means...GET OUT OF BED, GO TO PLAYDATES, LAUGH, PLAY, KEEP OUR SCHEDULE...I capitalize those because it is how I feel, they are important so they must be capitalized.

But today I struggled keeping to those. We had plans, music class, lunch with friend and then who knows what after. I felt a little rough in the morning but I forced down breakfast and headed to music class. With in the first 5 minutes of Blake's class though I felt light headed and out of breath. The normal simple task of galloping with Blake around the room was exhausting but I made it through all 45 minutes. . . just to have to embark on another 45 minutes with Maddie's class. Luckily there was not as much physical activity in Maddie's class but I still found myself leaning up against the wall for support.

After Music we set off to Golden for lunch. My gut (and my husband) told me to just go home and go to bed...but I had plans with friend and the kids were excited...I felt I had to stick with my "keeping things normal" plan and suck it up. Lots of people work through chemo...hell I could handle some playdates.

Half way to Golden I felt like my head was throbbing, I had to squint and put one hand on the side of my face to see clearly. I felt like I was getting worse by the second but it was farther now to turn around and go home then to go forward. So forward I went.

Lunch was at one of my FAVORITE pizza places ever, there were 5 moms and 9 kids...and amazingly enough the kids were mostly on their best behavior. But I did not enjoy lunch. By the time i got my first plate I was so dizzy I could not turn my head, talking to people made me feel worse, keeping up with the kids and getting their food made me feel like just falling to the ground. To make matters worse I was so hot, I was sweating and that was making my stomach hurt and my head throb more. I felt awful because I was not doing well keeping up conversations with people I had invited out. I just couldn't focus. As soon as I was able to pay I got out of there...I didn't even wait to say goodbye to everyone, I felt if I stayed in there another second I would be laying on the floor. I got the kids in the car, changed Blake's diaper and pumped on the A/C. As I cooled off I started to feel a lot better. So much so I decided it was safe to drive home. Home was 28 minutes away....I will tell you the truth this seemed like an ETERNITY.

This is where this becomes more of a confession of guilt. About 15 minutes left into the drive I was not sure I should be driving. I had to squint to see, the sun was making my eyes water uncontrollably, which was making it even harder to see. When I had to look to change lanes I became increasingly dizzy, if I focused straight ahead and didn't shift my gaze the dizziness would go away. I should of pulled over and called Mark, I know I should of. But in my head I was trying to rationalize why I shouldn't. How would we get both cars home? What if Mark is with a client? So on and so on the stupid reasons/rationalizations went. It was stupid.

However, we luckily made it home safe and sound. I got into the house, plopped both kids onto the couch and got sick in the bathroom. A few minutes later, I got both kids into their beds for nap/quiet time and passed out myself. I was so dizzy and exhausted I couldn't do anything but close my eyes.

When I woke up I felt about 70% better. . . and even now hours later I still am a little dizzy but not near as bad as earlier.

Lesson learned is sometimes i have to be okay being defeated....sometimes I have to admit I can't do something. Sometimes I have to be okay feeling bad and not worry about letting people down. Today was a hard lesson but I feel that I learned it. Thank God I learned it with us all staying safe.

First Day on the Job

This is going to be a multi blog kind of night since I have not blogged in says and different days call for different emotions which mean different blogs. So let us begin.

Thursday I had my first chemo treatment. I woke up determined to feel accomplished that day so I made the kids pancakes, prepped meals and cookies, exercised and cleaned the house. Needless to say this was more out of being anxious and nervous than being prepared. I was not scared of the actually chemo treatment but more of the side effects that were going to come after (thank you Rich for the informed consent).

Mark came with me to my first treatment. I was not sure what I be alone or to have him there...but I was so happy to have him there.

To tell the truth the actual treatment (although I was there for a few hours) felt fast. Mark and I talked, laughed, snacked and watched Breaking Bad. Aside from the fact I was getting a chemo treatment and being used as a human pin cushion (vein and tough skin problems) we had a fun time. I am so glad that I had Mark by my made what could of been a depressing situation....well truthfully, enjoyable.

Thankfully we had Theresa watching the kids...which is just about as good as us being home with them. They love Theresa and her kids. They have been around so much helping us lately that Maddie and Blake truly get upset when a day goes by that we don't see them. When Blake is playing his name games (where he makes jokes using every name in the family) he now includes their names as if they are his family too. They pretty much are though. I would be lost without Theresa's help.

Theresa also had set up a meal for that night. So Mark's old boss Kathy brought us a whole foods smorgashborg (hmmm spell check has no suggestions for that word). I was starting to feel nauseated but as long as I kept walking around I felt better, so before Kathy showed up I was walking laps around the driveway so that I could hopefully eat dinner. It was a super yummy dinner and we are very grateful to Kathy for bringing it to us. It was also nice to see her. I really do like her, she is so sweet and nice. One of Mark's best bosses (my favorite).

I can't say any two days of the days that followed were the same...every day there was something new. One day I would feel great enough to elliptical in the morning only to feel like someone was grinding my bones in the afternoon, the nausea came and went...maybe came more than went, slight dizziness one day and light sensitivity the next. It was like pandora's box of symptoms but none that I could not live with. Heck isn't that why I am going through live. Works for me.

Maddie and I talked a little more about what is going on with me. Seems she had questions she was scared to ask. I think I handled them well. I basically told her that mommy has a boo boo in her boobie and the doctor has to give her medicine to make her get better. I explained to her that I was going to be getting the medicine for a while (she didn't understand why I was not all better by now), I explained that sometimes the medicine may make me sick, grumpy or tired but that no matter how I felt or how grumpy I was acting that I always loved her and she was my princess. We also had a short talk about how I might lose my hair. She informed me if that were to happen that I would look silly. She is probably right.

Sunday I decided to cut off my hair. Like really cut off my hair. My desire was for a cute starlet style pixie cut. . . my stylist more thought maybe david bowie. Guess I should of had a picture of what I wanted or just not of gone to floyds. I cried my eyes out in the chair before she even brought the scissors to my hair. I did not think I would take cutting it off so hard, however it needed to be was so itchy and I found myself compulsively raking my fingers through it seeing how much hair was coming out on the tips of my fingers. For my own sanity it needed to go.

Mark loves my short really....Mark LOVES my short hair. He hopes I keep it short forever. Blake likes my short hair. He will randomly exclaim "Mommy Hair Cut" and then want to touch it giggling. I take that as approval. Maddie...well Maddie is adjusting. She told me immediately that she did not like it....she told me it looked silly....she told me that she liked my hair the way it was. That night when she picked out books for us to read she gave me the Silly book and said it was because I looked Silly and then gave Mark the princess book and said it was because Mark looked handsome. Mark whispered to her something about how I don't look silly and don't I look pretty. Maddie nodded but then whispered in my ear "but you really look silly". Great support kid.

I have informed her that we are shaving her hair next.

Friday, July 20, 2012


Some friends of mine got together and posted this:

I can not tell you how hard it made me cry seeing know how much my friends cared. But even sweeter was the small posts they wrote from their heart with it. <3

Wednesday, July 18, 2012


Somedays I falter on being strong. Just for a minute, it is easy to do. But just for a minute. How can I be anything but strong 99% of the day, I have two amazing children depending on me, a husband who loves me and friends who have provided me with so much support...that I am amazed.

I guess sometimes it is easy to go through life feeling...okay...good...liked...maybe even quasi important. But with all the support I have received I feel more than ok....I feel loved and important....and strong. Reading all the messages my friends and family have written to me and about me, makes me feel so loved and so lucky. Who would of though Stage 2 Triple Negative Infiltrating Duct Carcinoma would make me feel so lucky. But I wake up every day realizing how great my life really is....and that alone gives me all the strength I need to get through this.

Well That will be on the DVD....

Today was a pretty awesome day. It is Mark and my 5th Anniversary. I love that man, we have been through so much together...we have accomplished so much together.

We started our day off with a family breakfast at a local bagel place (I had a groupon saved for the occasion). They kids were especially good and fun...made for a fun breakfast. After that we went next door to get Blake's hair trimmed up...I guess he is kind of young for an afro that would put the 70's to shame. Then Mark went to work and I took the kids to Monkey Business (another saved groupon) because they have not been getting out as much lately with all my appointments. They had a fun time, Maddie of course made friends and Blake, of course, stayed close to mommy. But he did venture away a few time...before panicking he was too far from mommy. I love my little Mama's boy.

In the evening we had our Chemo Class (well my chemo class but Mark is my second set of ears). We arrived at 3:56 for a 4pm appointment, signed in ...then I went to scheduling to verify all my appointments, before being sent to the financial advisor to talk about costs of treatment, then the genetic counselor came out to talk to me about a future appointment with 4:20 I was informed they forgot to tell me that my class was actually in Parker and they were going to have to reschedule me...(I love, love, love my doctor but his administrative staff leaves something to be desired in organization). I reminded them that my chemo starts tomorrow morning so rescheduling would be too late. After a phone call and a frantic walk around the office the secretary came out to tell me that Rich is going to do the class with me.

Oh Rich, the man born without a sense of humor but was "blessed" with a monotone voice. Rich basically went over all the fun side effects of Chemo and what medicines I was going to be on and what the side effects of the medicines to counter the side effects of chemo were. Oh fun times with Rich. I was originally told that the Class would walk me through Chemo and tell me exactly what to expect on the day of my appointment. Rich disagreed with this description of the class. He informed me that he would give me a Chemo Informational DVD that would explain all about Chemo. Oh and if I did not have a DVD player then they could give me VHS (really, they still make those?). Oh but wait...after answering my questions several times with "Well that will be on the DVD I am going to give you" turns out he doesn't have any DVDs...I will have to drive to Parker for one...Oh but wait they are closed so maybe tomorrow I can get one. At what point is it ok to smack an RN in the head and say DUH!
Rich also did not like questions. Don't ask Rich questions because truthfully, your questions are pointless and he will answer them with the original statement that made you ask the question. All I have to say is THANK GOD we get to talk to Dr. Diab before my chemo tomorrow. I am not sure Rich was much more help than just giving me the side effect paper work.

Listening to all the side effects were exhausting though, there were the side effects from chemo, the side effects from the nausea medicine, the side effects from the other nausea medicines to help the nausea medicine, side effects and side effects and side effects. It is enough to make your head explode. They really have it down to a science though. They can tell me what days I need to take certain meds because the side effects of one medicine will be worse on days 3,4 and 5. Also, take this on days 7-14 for these side effects. I feel like a need a calendar just to keep track of when all the side effects are going to need meds. He said around 14 days is when my hair is going to start to fall out. Mark wants me to just shave it now, but I have trouble committing to shaving it before it falls just seems wrong for some reason. The good news is after this 8 week treatment my hair will start to grow back and shouldn't fall out during the second round of chemo (because we are getting lower dose more frequently instead of high doses less frequently...not sure how that works but WOOT WOOT for hair).

After we were done with the class, picking up our prescriptions and making copies of all the paperwork we got to go out for a night on the town for our anniversary. We went to the all you can eat sushi place (because gluttony should always come before nausea) and had a really great evening...full of laughter, uninterrupted conversation and raw fish. It was a great ending to a pretty great day. I can't complain.

Sunday, July 15, 2012


Today I felt hopeless...I tried not to but it was just sitting there in my chest. Maybe it was side swiping a park car last night (genius move on my part) that finally overloaded me on stress but I did not like this feeling. It ached and caused me to have trouble enjoying my morning with my family. It made me feel like just crawling back in bed and crying. I am not a fan of this hopelessness.

I told Mark it sucked because I have been working so hard at being happy and strong...but today I felt weak and sad. It was like a weight crushing my chest.

Luckily, I have amazing kids, a pain in the butt but amazing husband and some great slowly as the day went on that feeling got less and less until finally it was gone. I hope it won't come back...but we know it will. Mark quoted a scene from Breaking Bad that I won't even try to quote word for word (I would murder it) but what it boiled down to is...we are all going to die one day so sometimes it is okay to feel a little hopeless.

Friday, July 13, 2012

Where is my super power?

It seems to me if they are going to pump radiation into your veins that you should at least get some kind of super power out of spiderman...or x-ray vision...I could of been the next fire starter....just saying it would be an acceptable side effect.

So this week has been full of appointments. I am ready for it to die down some. I feel like I am not getting much time with my kids. The positive side to that is my kids are happy because they have been seeing a lot of their best friends, which always makes them happy. I try to squeeze in fun activities with them even on days I have appointments. It is exhausting though.

Wednesday I had my brain MRI. I was worried they were going to tell me I did not have a brain, since after the scan the tech started talking to me in very small, basic words and was worried I couldn't figure out how to tie my shoes ;). Alas, I have a brain and it is cancer free. However, the doctor would not confirm the size...possibly he did not want to embarrass me...OR even better he did not want to embarrass Mark with how much BIGGER his wife's brain was. It's a possibility ;).

Thursday I had my ECG. Turns out I have a heart too and it is currently doing well. I do have a complaint about the lack of warm gel they use for that ultrasound procedure. BRRRRR...really you give me a heated blanket but then dose the wand in cold gel...makes no sense.

Today, I had my follow-up with my oncologist. He set up my next appointments...Wednesday (Mark and my 5th wedding anniversary) I have a Chemo class so I can learn about what to expect and they can get my medicines started. On Thursday I have my first Chemo session.

I also had a PET scan today. This was my least favorite...not because of having radiation pumped into my veins without the benefit of a super power (although that did not help)...but because after they pump the radiation into your veins you have to go sit in a dark room and are only allowed to listen to music and think....and think....and think. Regina Spektor probably did not help with this, since her music is anything but upbeat. So I sat in this dark room, listening to Regina sing on my ipod and thinking.

It is really easy right now to forget I have cancer, I feel fine. There are a zillion tests but they are just tests...they don't make me feel sick, so it is easy to forget. I am busy with two little ones and our normal it is easy to float through the day and feel like when people talk to me about cancer that...they are taking about someone else. But sitting in a dark room with nothing but my thoughts, it is hard to do anything but think about having cancer...about surviving cancer...about fears and hopes. How do you put someone who just found out they have cancer less 10 days ago in a dark room and tell them just to relax. There was too much going through my head to relax. I did pretty well not falling helped there was a window in my little dark room with people outside, and I have this thing about strangers seeing me randomly cry. But I know soon it is going to hit.

I feel all the emotion knocking at the door. Sometimes, when I am in the car by myself or up later than everyone starts to catch up with me but only for a minute then it is gone again. I know when the chemo starts and I actually start to feel sick, it will be hard to ignore all these emotions and they will knock me to my knees. In my head I fall to my knees a lot but in reality one of my sweet babies are at my feet and I don't want them to see that. I just want them to see their happy and strong mother. Because even with all the emotions I am holding in right now, even with being scared...I am still happy and strong.

I plan on staying happy and strong.

Monday, July 09, 2012

My Cancer

Today I met with the surgeon and the Oncologist to work out a treatment plan. I really liked them both, and they gave me a LOT of information and things to think about. They kept making statements that started with "your cancer" was kind of surreal. Where I am adjusting one day at a time to being someone with cancer...I don't know if I have put enough ownership on it to claim it as mine. Matter of fact, I prefer not to claim it and just pass on it altogether....alas, no such choice.

I have infiltrating ductile carcinoma...triple-negative breast cancer. 'Triple-negative breast cancer refers to any breast cancer that does not express the genes for estrogen receptor (ER), progesterone receptor (PR) or Her2/neu.' ( .

The good thing is I probably will not need radiation. However, I will need chemotherapy and surgery. We are going to start with the chemotherapy which gives me time to think about what I want to do about the surgery. Both the surgeon and the oncologist recommended starting with chemo...the surgeon because it decreases the size and makes a lumpectomy easier...the oncologist because they can see how the cancer reacts to chemotherapy and know if it is working or not.

The type of Chemo for "my cancer" is ACT chemotherapy: Adriamycin, Cytoxan, and Taxol ( I will start with the Adriamycin/Cytoxan every other week for 4 weeks and then I will move onto the Taxol once a week for 12 weeks. After that is complete I would either have a lumpectomy or a mastectomy depending on my decision.

As far as the surgery goes, we did sent a blood sample off to the lab to determine if I have the breast cancer gene (BRCA1 or BRCA2)( If I test positive for the gene, that means I am more at risk for getting breast cancer again or ovarian cancer.

My oncologist ordered a PET, Brain MRI and an Echocardiogram and sent me home with packets of information to read. I have an appointment again on friday to talk with him more about it all and set up a plan of action (hopefully). There is a lot to think about between now and then. However, I feel confident in my oncologist even gave us his cell number so we can all him with any questions or concerns (he also said feel free to text message him).

My favorite statement was "your life should not have to work around your treatment but your treatment around your life". He feels very strongly about not changing my life and enjoying our normal schedule and plans. PLUS, he thinks Mark should buy me a bike...what is not to love about this Doctor :)

Sunday, July 08, 2012


Yesterday I got a surprise in the mail. . . When I was pregnant with Maddie I joined a pregnancy group on Babycenter looking for support, advice and just people to vent to. About 5 years later they are still some of my closest friends and confidents. We have all been through a lot together, divorces, crazy kids, sick kids, sick mommies, surgeries, Hudson's Lukemia, Zooey's tumor and now my cancer. I know they are always there to talk to, laugh with and vent together. I don't know how I would of made it through the past years without them to talk to.

Yesterday, I received a cancer care basket from them. It was so sweet, considerate and personalized. It was full of things to help me get through treatment and the ups and downs....full of information. It made me cry my eyes out, mostly because how thoughtful it was but also because no one has ever done anything like that for me before. Of course I have also never had cancer before. But I know with these girls by my side, it will be easier.

Friday, July 06, 2012

Today was a Good Day

Today was a good day. Oh wait, I guess I already said that in the title. But these days it is worth saying twice. Today I made it through the day with out crying...I actually felt good today.

But even better, I had my MRI today and they did not see anything else suspicious...just the one lump...making me Stage 2. That is good news. Actually, that is great news.

I have to say I found the MRI machine oddly relaxing. I got to lay on my belly and not move for 40 was like a vacation. The noises did make me feel like I was in a giant video game though.

Thursday, July 05, 2012

I thought these stages would be more spread out...but I go through each of them (minus anger) daily....I just seem to cycle though them. After mentally cataloging my emotions the past few days I decided to look up the stages of grief to see if that is what I was experiencing and sure enough....there are all my emotions....sigh

Tuesday, July 03, 2012

July 3rd, 2012

Today we took the kids to an ice cream social (for their music teacher) and then to the fireworks downtown. At the ice cream social they played and danced...having a grand ole time. At the event downtown they colored, danced, had tickle fights, honked daddy's nose and had a blast....until the fireworks began. Blake loved the fireworks and Maddie had a panic attack and demanded to go home. It was a great night. When I look back at July 3rd these are the things I want to amazing my children are, how great my husband is, how much fun we had.....not that this is the day I found out I have Cancer.

Sunday, July 01, 2012

The waiting game

I don't even know what to type really. I had hoped to get results friday but I knew the chances were slim. So now we have to wait till Monday afternoon. The uncertainty is wearing us out. As the weekend goes on both Mark and I are becoming more and more on edge. Mark has found himself loosing his patience with total strangers which is totally out of character for him. It weighs heavy on his shoulders too. I have found that my patience with Maddie and Blake is low, which is horrible since they don't understand the stress we are under now. I have told Maddie that this week we will go see a movie together because I know Mommy has been grumpy this past week. I do love her so.

We try to focus on the good stuff, the positive stuff...but it is hard not to think about the bad stuff. The what ifs, what if they call me monday and say I have cancer. I know the statistics are good for fighting it, I know I am strong enough to fight it, I know I can handle it....I am not really scared of it. But why to I still find myself fighting back tears all day. It doesn't matter how well I think I can handle it...all I can think about is how my children are going to handle it. What they are going to have to see. I remember how hard it was to watch my mother fight cancer. I was in college at the time, old enough to not act like a child...but I felt like a child watching my mother fight cancer. I don't want my children to have to watch me go through the same thing. Maddie is so sweet and sensitive. ...and VERY empathetic. She gets upset when her friends get hurt....sigh.

I keep telling myself that past history will show that every time I prepare myself for the worst, it never happens. So why should this be any different...moping around about this all week, worrying, planning, and stressing...that usually ends up being all for nothing. But it doesn't really make me feel any better. It really does not. With my family history, chances are I am going to have to face this road at some kids are going to have to see it at some point....would it be better now when I am younger and stronger or later. These are the thoughts that keep me awake, these are the thoughts that give me giant headaches.

Mark said the survival rate is 67%...that is 2/3 ...but he finished the sentence with "I mean I would not bet my life on those odds but...", it was for comedic effect and it did indeed make me laugh. But it also made me sad, because my husband who swore to death do us part is having to look up survival statistics on if his wife gets cancer, he has to worry on the what ifs too.

He also said something that I have been thinking nonstop today...."If tomorrow you get bad results, than this will be our last normal day for a while"...It's not really true, treatment would not be immediate and things will carry on as normal, but I understood what he meant...because tomorrow....well after tomorrow our normal may become different.