Well tomorrow is the big day. . . a bilateral mastectomy, reconstruction, tubes and ovaries removed. Five and a half to six hours of surgery, 3 surgeons and a very long nap for me. Every one keeps asking me how I am feeling, how I am doing...I try not to lie so I crack a joke or shrug or give a non-committal answer.
Truth...I am scared shitless.
I know I should not be, I know people who have gone through this journey and are fine...better than fine...perfect. However, a lot of people close to me lately have gotten bad news in regard to their cancer or health...maybe it is the superstitious in me but I feel like it is my turn. I feel like what makes me immune to this bad luck, bad news....bad.
Truth...I think about this all the time.
I think about all these bad things that can happen during surgery or results after surgery ALL THE TIME. When I am watching my kids play, when I am doing dishes, when I am laughing with friends, when I am making plans ....these thoughts are always there. Thoughts of finding out the cancer has spread, thoughts of something going wrong in surgery, thoughts of never waking up....yet I put a smile on my face and go on. If any of these things are going to happen...there is nothing I can do about it. So I live my life, I love, I make plans and I try not to let the stress make me a total bitch...just a little bitchy.
Truth....I hate this.
I hate this surgery, I hate the fact that they are changing things I never wanted change. I hate the fact that I am going to be 35 going through menopause. I hate the fact I am going to have fake boobs, scars and that when I wake up I am going to be changed. It doesn't feel like I will be me....at least not the old me...but a new me in a weird way that I will have to adjust to.
Last truth for the night...I hate Cancer more!
I never want to go through any of this again. So I will face my fears...I know I am strong and I know that this is the END of the Cancer chapter in my book of life and now I get to move on.