Tuesday, September 12, 2006

Today. . . .

Yesterday, I went to with my brother to visit my cousin.

I love my cousin. We were raised together for most of our childhood so I consider him like a brother. I love him like a brother.

He has this negative attitude about him though. Over the years it had gotten tremendously better. He has gone from being the evil teenager, to the moody young adult, to a great and loving father with only a slight grizzly bear attitude to those around him.

However, he is really good at finding something he knows gets under your skin and harping on it. With my Grandmother it is either her age or her political views, with his step mom it is her weight or her outlook. He will just make little comment followed by hardy laughter that makes others laugh along and makes you feel . . . bad.

I am familiar with this tactic. It has been part of my family for most of my life. Used by all. I have spent most of my life with my family harping on how loud I talk or how much I talk. I spent years being very selfconsious about these things. Even now if someone makes a comment when I accidentally start talking too loud it upsets me a little. I hate being bullied about it even though I am guilty of that myself. We made fun of Cory's mumbling, Bryan's lack of hair, Billy's attitude or weight when he was younger, Dad's lack of hearing, snoring or temper, Missy her name and her love for Matt and Mom. . . well like anyone would harp on her for anything. We have gotten better about it over the years. Realizing that feelings are hurt. But going over to Stevie's house kinda made it all seem like it was yesterday.

It wasn't as harsh as it use to be. There was a little bit of love behind it. But then it came to teasing me about a job. A subject that is very sensitive to me right now. But for like an hour every time I would say ANYTHING he would turn it into a joke about being lazy, broke, unemployed or being a jobless moocher. It really started to get to me. Not because it was true. Because being harped on doesn't break down my self esteem enough to make me think, damn is that me. But because it made me wonder if he saw me that way. Did other people see me that way? Do they think I don't care about getting a job? Do they think I enjoy being broke? Enjoy being stuck alone in the house all day?

Mark is sweet and makes me feel included in his world and if I truly need anything he will provide it. But it doesn't help me feel any less. . . . worthless. Right now, without a job. . . . I kinda feel worthless. . . . .

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