Wednesday, September 05, 2012


Wow, it has been almost a month since I blogged. Slackerjack, sorry! Life with two kids is busy enough but then add in chemo, feeling crappy, broken computer and getting Maddie ready for school.....well then I think you have a viable excuse in there somewhere.

Let's start with a big WWWOOOOOOOOOOOTTT I am done with the first series of Chemo, A/C can kiss my butt. It was not an easy 4 treatments, and I hope to never do it again. The nausea really kicked my butt and to tell you the truth it was my family that kept me from being a total wimp about it. By the time the 4th treatment rolled around I was so sick of not being able to enjoy food, of every liquid making me sick and of not being able to eat that I was ready to quit. I wanted to quit. Even when the worst of the nausea passed and I was able to eat again, it still wasn't normal...there was always the nausea in the background that never went away, I still wasn't able to drink water or most liquids without feeling like I was going to be sick. Truth be told before treatment 4 I was praying to catch Blake's cold or anything to make my white blood cell count so low that they had to postpone treatment. It is stupid I know, I know... "get that last one behind will regret it if you don't" ....I heard you, but it doesn't change how I felt. Or how I didn't feel....I didn't feel normal anymore and I just wanted to feel normal again for a little while.

When we saw Dr Diab before my 4th treatment we asked if marijuana would help with the nausea at all, help me be able to get through the day without feeling so bad. His response was if you want a prescription fill out the form and we can do that. "No", I said "What is your OPINION on it? Will it help" ....the answer was no. He said it would help me be able to eat but it wouldn't make the nausea go away. I can force myself to eat through the nausea, I had been doing it for 6 weeks. Dr. Diabs final comment was "It really won't help with the nausea but if you find that you are feeling so bad that you just want to end your treatments then we can talk". I interrupted to say that is exactly how I felt, I told him about hoping to get sick so I wouldn't have to do this treatment and that (if not for my family) I really wanted to just stop. Sometimes I am not sure he listens to me or takes what I am saying seriously....maybe he thinks I just whine...however, I think he listened this time because he gave me a 3 week break before starting Taxol instead of 2 weeks. It was like Christmas in August. I meant truthfully 4 weeks would be even sweeter but I won't push. Plus 4 weeks means even longer before I am completely out of this and I am so ready to push through and get out from under all this.

This last treatment was actually the easiest as far as nausea. Normally I spend the 1st week feeling like on a scale of 1-10 (10 being misreable) feeling between an 8-10 for the nausea. But this time it was more around a 3. It is truly a vacation in that aspect. Although, I can't say I feel great. There is still that tug of just wanting to feel normal again on my heart. My eyes have been the worst, they just ache and water all the time. I feel like they are puffy and swollen but they are not. But the weirdest is I feel oddly not in a I need to talk to my psych because my life is empty way...but my body feels hollow. When the wind blows in my eyes it feels like it is blowing straight through my head, light feels that way too, hurts. I can eat a big meal but 2 minutes later my stomach is rumbling and feeling empty like I have not eaten in days. My bones ache but again in this weird hollow way. I feel if I fall I will turn to dust. It is probably the fatigue on my body...lord knows I have had enough poison injected in my veins that it has to be exhausted from the battle. It better get it together because there are another 12 weeks of chemo left....and every week this time so no week in between to recover. The Taxol is suppose to be easier on my system though, although when asked Dr Diab would not put that in writing (and notarized) for me, so only time will tell.

I want my hair to grow back. I feel like the neon crayon in a sea of black and white. I can't hide my story, it is there for everyone to see.

Enough of the pity party....did I tell you the good news? I can't remember but if I did then just pretent this is the first time you are hearing it. The lump is gone...can't find it and hopefully we never will find it again. Where I still have a long road ahead....this battle is coming to a close and I will be the victor.

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