This past week has been harder. I feel like a wimp. The nausea has been worse, the fatigue has been worse and truth is I have been a bum about it. Well, I guess not all the time...I went to the zoo, a 3 mile bike ride, have spent time with my family and managed to keep the house from being a total disaster. But all I really want to do is lay in bed. Just thinking about playdates, friends, responsibilities and my own children exhaust me. I am the queen of avoiding naps yet have found my self napping at every opportunity.
I am not dumb, I know this is more depression than the cancer. I know because when I touch my head or look in the mirror I suddenly feel more nauseated and tired. When I see the bruises on my arms I have trouble keeping my eyes open. I am not dumb, I understand that these symptoms are currently exaggerated because of my mental status. Yes the chemo makes me feel nauseated and yes it did hit worse this time...but then my brain, my emotions just made it even worse.
Don't get me wrong, I think I pull off the no hair look quiet well (better than my previous David Bowie look). But now I get lots of sympathetic smiles or worse I get the people that won't make eye contact with me at all. Now I feel kinda like a leper when I am in public. I can't effectively hide in the crowd. I stick out like the orange crayon shoved in a box of black and whites.
I guess I didn't realize how much I liked just hiding in the crowd. It makes it easier to go about my day to day activities without strangers having insight to what my current health status is. It makes me just want to stay in bed, go to sleep or just hide out. It exhausts me, because before I could smile and look at people like "what? nothing is wrong with me, I am fine'. . . except now I get that "poor girl" smile.
I have all the cards and notes I have received on the wall facing my bed, so when I am down and feeling bad for myself they are staring back at me with messages about how strong I am and how proud you are of me and how much support I have. They make me kick my ownself in the butt and stop whining. They make me feel stronger. They make me want to yell at the people who are giving me those sympathetic smiles or refusing to make eye contact with me and say "what? nothing is wrong with me, I am fine....so what I have cancer...so what if today I feel like crap...and yes some times I do have moments where I feel more like chemo is killing me instead of saving me...but guess what...I am here....balancing two kids and a dozen activities/chores/errands and you don't see me whining about it"...if course I can't really yell that. So I just smile back instead.