Hopelessness

Today I felt hopeless...I tried not to but it was just sitting there in my chest. Maybe it was side swiping a park car last night (genius move on my part) that finally overloaded me on stress but I did not like this feeling. It ached and caused me to have trouble enjoying my morning with my family. It made me feel like just crawling back in bed and crying. I am not a fan of this hopelessness.

I told Mark it sucked because I have been working so hard at being happy and strong...but today I felt weak and sad. It was like a weight crushing my chest.

Luckily, I have amazing kids, a pain in the butt but amazing husband and some great friends...so slowly as the day went on that feeling got less and less until finally it was gone. I hope it won't come back...but we know it will. Mark quoted a scene from Breaking Bad that I won't even try to quote word for word (I would murder it) but what it boiled down to is...we are all going to die one day so sometimes it is okay to feel a little hopeless.

Where is my super power?

It seems to me if they are going to pump radiation into your veins that you should at least get some kind of super power out of it...like spiderman...or x-ray vision...I could of been the next fire starter....just saying it would be an acceptable side effect.

So this week has been full of appointments. I am ready for it to die down some. I feel like I am not getting much time with my kids. The positive side to that is my kids are happy because they have been seeing a lot of their best friends, which always makes them happy. I try to squeeze in fun activities with them even on days I have appointments. It is exhausting though.

Wednesday I had my brain MRI. I was worried they were going to tell me I did not have a brain, since after the scan the tech started talking to me in very small, basic words and was worried I couldn't figure out how to tie my shoes ;). Alas, I have a brain and it is cancer free. However, the doctor would not confirm the size...possibly he did not want to embarrass me...OR even better he did not want to embarrass Mark with how much BIGGER his wife's brain was. It's a possibility ;).

Thursday I had my ECG. Turns out I have a heart too and it is currently doing well. I do have a complaint about the lack of warm gel they use for that ultrasound procedure. BRRRRR...really you give me a heated blanket but then dose the wand in cold gel...makes no sense.

Today, I had my follow-up with my oncologist. He set up my next appointments...Wednesday (Mark and my 5th wedding anniversary) I have a Chemo class so I can learn about what to expect and they can get my medicines started. On Thursday I have my first Chemo session.

I also had a PET scan today. This was my least favorite...not because of having radiation pumped into my veins without the benefit of a super power (although that did not help)...but because after they pump the radiation into your veins you have to go sit in a dark room and are only allowed to listen to music and think....and think....and think. Regina Spektor probably did not help with this, since her music is anything but upbeat. So I sat in this dark room, listening to Regina sing on my ipod and thinking.

It is really easy right now to forget I have cancer, I feel fine. There are a zillion tests but they are just tests...they don't make me feel sick, so it is easy to forget. I am busy with two little ones and our normal schedule...so it is easy to float through the day and feel like when people talk to me about cancer that...they are taking about someone else. But sitting in a dark room with nothing but my thoughts, it is hard to do anything but think about having cancer...about surviving cancer...about fears and hopes. How do you put someone who just found out they have cancer less 10 days ago in a dark room and tell them just to relax. There was too much going through my head to relax. I did pretty well not falling apart...it helped there was a window in my little dark room with people outside, and I have this thing about strangers seeing me randomly cry. But I know soon it is going to hit.

I feel all the emotion knocking at the door. Sometimes, when I am in the car by myself or up later than everyone else...it starts to catch up with me but only for a minute then it is gone again. I know when the chemo starts and I actually start to feel sick, it will be hard to ignore all these emotions and they will knock me to my knees. In my head I fall to my knees a lot but in reality one of my sweet babies are at my feet and I don't want them to see that. I just want them to see their happy and strong mother. Because even with all the emotions I am holding in right now, even with being scared...I am still happy and strong.

I plan on staying happy and strong.

My Cancer

Today I met with the surgeon and the Oncologist to work out a treatment plan. I really liked them both, and they gave me a LOT of information and things to think about. They kept making statements that started with "your cancer"...it was kind of surreal. Where I am adjusting one day at a time to being someone with cancer...I don't know if I have put enough ownership on it to claim it as mine. Matter of fact, I prefer not to claim it and just pass on it altogether....alas, no such choice.

I have infiltrating ductile carcinoma...triple-negative breast cancer. 'Triple-negative breast cancer refers to any breast cancer that does not express the genes for estrogen receptor (ER), progesterone receptor (PR) or Her2/neu.' (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Triple-negative_breast_cancer) .

The good thing is I probably will not need radiation. However, I will need chemotherapy and surgery. We are going to start with the chemotherapy which gives me time to think about what I want to do about the surgery. Both the surgeon and the oncologist recommended starting with chemo...the surgeon because it decreases the size and makes a lumpectomy easier...the oncologist because they can see how the cancer reacts to chemotherapy and know if it is working or not.

The type of Chemo for "my cancer" is ACT chemotherapy: Adriamycin, Cytoxan, and Taxol (http://www.ecancerchemotherapy.com/act-chemotherapy.html). I will start with the Adriamycin/Cytoxan every other week for 4 weeks and then I will move onto the Taxol once a week for 12 weeks. After that is complete I would either have a lumpectomy or a mastectomy depending on my decision.

As far as the surgery goes, we did sent a blood sample off to the lab to determine if I have the breast cancer gene (BRCA1 or BRCA2)(http://www.cancer.gov/cancertopics/factsheet/Risk/BRCA). If I test positive for the gene, that means I am more at risk for getting breast cancer again or ovarian cancer.

My oncologist ordered a PET, Brain MRI and an Echocardiogram and sent me home with packets of information to read. I have an appointment again on friday to talk with him more about it all and set up a plan of action (hopefully). There is a lot to think about between now and then. However, I feel confident in my doctors...my oncologist even gave us his cell number so we can all him with any questions or concerns (he also said feel free to text message him).

My favorite statement was "your life should not have to work around your treatment but your treatment around your life". He feels very strongly about not changing my life and enjoying our normal schedule and plans. PLUS, he thinks Mark should buy me a bike...what is not to love about this Doctor :)

Sweeties

Yesterday I got a surprise in the mail. . . When I was pregnant with Maddie I joined a pregnancy group on Babycenter looking for support, advice and just people to vent to. About 5 years later they are still some of my closest friends and confidents. We have all been through a lot together, divorces, crazy kids, sick kids, sick mommies, surgeries, Hudson's Lukemia, Zooey's tumor and now my cancer. I know they are always there to talk to, laugh with and vent together. I don't know how I would of made it through the past years without them to talk to.

Yesterday, I received a cancer care basket from them. It was so sweet, considerate and personalized. It was full of things to help me get through treatment and the ups and downs....full of information. It made me cry my eyes out, mostly because how thoughtful it was but also because no one has ever done anything like that for me before. Of course I have also never had cancer before. But I know with these girls by my side, it will be easier.

Today was a Good Day

Today was a good day. Oh wait, I guess I already said that in the title. But these days it is worth saying twice. Today I made it through the day with out crying...I actually felt good today.

But even better, I had my MRI today and they did not see anything else suspicious...just the one lump...making me Stage 2. That is good news. Actually, that is great news.

I have to say I found the MRI machine oddly relaxing. I got to lay on my belly and not move for 40 minutes...it was like a vacation. The noises did make me feel like I was in a giant video game though.

I thought these stages would be more spread out...but I go through each of them (minus anger) daily....I just seem to cycle though them. After mentally cataloging my emotions the past few days I decided to look up the stages of grief to see if that is what I was experiencing and sure enough....there are all my emotions....sigh

July 3rd, 2012

Today we took the kids to an ice cream social (for their music teacher) and then to the fireworks downtown. At the ice cream social they played and danced...having a grand ole time. At the event downtown they colored, danced, had tickle fights, honked daddy's nose and had a blast....until the fireworks began. Blake loved the fireworks and Maddie had a panic attack and demanded to go home. It was a great night. When I look back at July 3rd these are the things I want to remember...how amazing my children are, how great my husband is, how much fun we had.....not that this is the day I found out I have Cancer.