Friday, July 13, 2012

Where is my super power?

It seems to me if they are going to pump radiation into your veins that you should at least get some kind of super power out of spiderman...or x-ray vision...I could of been the next fire starter....just saying it would be an acceptable side effect.

So this week has been full of appointments. I am ready for it to die down some. I feel like I am not getting much time with my kids. The positive side to that is my kids are happy because they have been seeing a lot of their best friends, which always makes them happy. I try to squeeze in fun activities with them even on days I have appointments. It is exhausting though.

Wednesday I had my brain MRI. I was worried they were going to tell me I did not have a brain, since after the scan the tech started talking to me in very small, basic words and was worried I couldn't figure out how to tie my shoes ;). Alas, I have a brain and it is cancer free. However, the doctor would not confirm the size...possibly he did not want to embarrass me...OR even better he did not want to embarrass Mark with how much BIGGER his wife's brain was. It's a possibility ;).

Thursday I had my ECG. Turns out I have a heart too and it is currently doing well. I do have a complaint about the lack of warm gel they use for that ultrasound procedure. BRRRRR...really you give me a heated blanket but then dose the wand in cold gel...makes no sense.

Today, I had my follow-up with my oncologist. He set up my next appointments...Wednesday (Mark and my 5th wedding anniversary) I have a Chemo class so I can learn about what to expect and they can get my medicines started. On Thursday I have my first Chemo session.

I also had a PET scan today. This was my least favorite...not because of having radiation pumped into my veins without the benefit of a super power (although that did not help)...but because after they pump the radiation into your veins you have to go sit in a dark room and are only allowed to listen to music and think....and think....and think. Regina Spektor probably did not help with this, since her music is anything but upbeat. So I sat in this dark room, listening to Regina sing on my ipod and thinking.

It is really easy right now to forget I have cancer, I feel fine. There are a zillion tests but they are just tests...they don't make me feel sick, so it is easy to forget. I am busy with two little ones and our normal it is easy to float through the day and feel like when people talk to me about cancer that...they are taking about someone else. But sitting in a dark room with nothing but my thoughts, it is hard to do anything but think about having cancer...about surviving cancer...about fears and hopes. How do you put someone who just found out they have cancer less 10 days ago in a dark room and tell them just to relax. There was too much going through my head to relax. I did pretty well not falling helped there was a window in my little dark room with people outside, and I have this thing about strangers seeing me randomly cry. But I know soon it is going to hit.

I feel all the emotion knocking at the door. Sometimes, when I am in the car by myself or up later than everyone starts to catch up with me but only for a minute then it is gone again. I know when the chemo starts and I actually start to feel sick, it will be hard to ignore all these emotions and they will knock me to my knees. In my head I fall to my knees a lot but in reality one of my sweet babies are at my feet and I don't want them to see that. I just want them to see their happy and strong mother. Because even with all the emotions I am holding in right now, even with being scared...I am still happy and strong.

I plan on staying happy and strong.

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