The waiting game

I don't even know what to type really. I had hoped to get results friday but I knew the chances were slim. So now we have to wait till Monday afternoon. The uncertainty is wearing us out. As the weekend goes on both Mark and I are becoming more and more on edge. Mark has found himself loosing his patience with total strangers which is totally out of character for him. It weighs heavy on his shoulders too. I have found that my patience with Maddie and Blake is low, which is horrible since they don't understand the stress we are under now. I have told Maddie that this week we will go see a movie together because I know Mommy has been grumpy this past week. I do love her so.

We try to focus on the good stuff, the positive stuff...but it is hard not to think about the bad stuff. The what ifs, what if they call me monday and say I have cancer. I know the statistics are good for fighting it, I know I am strong enough to fight it, I know I can handle it....I am not really scared of it. But why to I still find myself fighting back tears all day. It doesn't matter how well I think I can handle it...all I can think about is how my children are going to handle it. What they are going to have to see. I remember how hard it was to watch my mother fight cancer. I was in college at the time, old enough to not act like a child...but I felt like a child watching my mother fight cancer. I don't want my children to have to watch me go through the same thing. Maddie is so sweet and sensitive. ...and VERY empathetic. She gets upset when her friends get hurt....sigh.

I keep telling myself that past history will show that every time I prepare myself for the worst, it never happens. So why should this be any different...moping around about this all week, worrying, planning, and stressing...that usually ends up being all for nothing. But it doesn't really make me feel any better. It really does not. With my family history, chances are I am going to have to face this road at some point...my kids are going to have to see it at some point....would it be better now when I am younger and stronger or later. These are the thoughts that keep me awake, these are the thoughts that give me giant headaches.

Mark said the survival rate is 67%...that is 2/3 ...but he finished the sentence with "I mean I would not bet my life on those odds but...", it was for comedic effect and it worked...it did indeed make me laugh. But it also made me sad, because my husband who swore to death do us part is having to look up survival statistics on if his wife gets cancer, he has to worry on the what ifs too.

He also said something that I have been thinking nonstop today...."If tomorrow you get bad results, than this will be our last normal day for a while"...It's not really true, treatment would not be immediate and things will carry on as normal, but I understood what he meant...because tomorrow....well after tomorrow our normal may become different.

OOOOOOUUUUUUCCCCCHHHHH

This is how I started my morning....okay, well not quite.

This morning I had my biopsies scheduled. They were squeezing me in so they told me to be there at 8am but expect to sit around waiting a bunch. I was fine with that, I own a kindle...plus the earlier the biopsies the earlier the results.

I got to the Medical Center at 7:50, hoping that I would beat the actual appointments in and they would take pity on me. But it seemed like it might be the opposite, they did not want me to sign in or do any of the paperwork...actually the desk clerk knew me as soon as I walked in the door and said "Holly, have a seat and Kathy will come out to talk to you in a minute"...UT OH. No signing in? That screams of "CANCEL". So I sat, I heard some talking and the words reschedule, cancel and my name. It was not looking good. At 8pm (totally out of character for me), I asked my Sweeties group for prayers that things would go as scheduled (without telling them what or why, since I would rather wait for results). Then at 8:10 I hear talk of "broken" and "reschedule"...without my name..8:15 they asked me to sign in and start the paperwork...WOOT WOOT! Turns out their MRI machine just stopped working so they cancelled the other appointment and I took their place. I feel sorry for them, but still glad it happened.

After I finished my paper work Kathy called me back and went over the procedure, the recovery and what to expect over the next few days. Personally, I was busy thinking "wow, I am getting in earlier...so I will get out earlier! Maybe I will take the kids to the park" (oh silly silly me). Then I changed into my robe and Andrea (my tech from yesterday) walked me to "The Rack"..it is what they call the picture at the beginning of this blog, since it is more like a torture device. I had to lay on it on my stomach, put the boob getting a biopsy through the hole and then they squish my boob with the mammagram machine so they can see where they need to take the sample from....next they numb my boob which takes longer than anything else. Then they insert the needle and take out the samples. This biopsy was to get come of the calcification out, to figure if they were precancerous cells. They had to go in really deep since they were nearer to my breast bone (ouch). They took out 4 "samples' (aka my tissue) as big as tic tacs ...I know, I got to see them (gag). Then they had to go look at the samples under an x-ray to make sure they got what they needed. However, since they did not...they had to go back in and get 4 more. Luckily, second time was the charm...and there was NOT a third time. The funny thing is they use glue to seal the opening they made in my breast...and all I could think of was Maddie's book "Parts" where the boy thinks the glue that holds us together is not holding him. I was thinking Maddie would get a laugh out of glue holding her mommy together.

Next, after the forced me to drink some water and asked me no less than 100 times if I was ok, I moved into the next room for the ultrasound biopsy. This one was wayyyyyy more interesting, because they use the ultrasound to see where to stick the needle and where to draw from...so I got to watch the whole thing on the ultrasound screen. Like when they gave me the shots inside to numb the tissue, you can see that the fatty tissue expands when the numbing agent hits it. The geek in me really enjoyed watching this part...and wished they would stop asking me if I was okay.

I had two ultrasound biopsies...one on the lump in my right breast and one on a swollen lymphoid in my armpit. Time felt like it was going fast but by the time they finished it was 11:56. After they glued me up, I had to go to the next room to get more mammagrams so they could make sure the markers were in the right place. They put markers where they do the biopsies so in the future if I go in for a mammagram they know that area was already checked and don't make me go through this again. It was kinda cool to watch them insert it (on the ultrasound machine) and then they showed me what they look like on the mammagrams. In my right breast the markers are V's but in my left breast the marker is a ribbon. I did not know they did this, it was interesting. Anyhow, it took a few tries to get pictures of the markers to make sure they were in the right place, but what did I care...I was numb.

After they were done with the mammograms, I was able to get dressed and go home. I was told not to lift the kids, reach above my head and to just take it easy (these made me laugh and say "you do remember i have two kids under 3 right??").

A couple of hours after I returned home the numbing agents wore off and I felt like CRAP. I feel like I have been shot full of BBs. I have to wear an ace bandage until tomorrow and after I might have some bruising and be sore for a few days. It was hard today because it hurt and I swear all Blake wanted to do was kick, hit or elbow me in the boobs. My patience was low, I was tired and just wanted to lay in bed and just felt like a horrible mom. All Blake wanted was for me to pick him up so I felt like a jerk telling him no. But I was already doing more they told me I should do and paying for it...OUCH. However, I am now feeling good on some tylenol PM and ready to go to bed. HOPE HOPE HOPE I get some results tomorrow and do not have to wait the weekend.

Fingers crossed.

Poke and Squeeze...

Today I had my mammogram which of course led to an ultrasound. They did a mammagram on the left breast just for comparison but it turns out that there are calcium deposits (?) in that breast which could be nothing or could be precancerous cells. The doctor came in to talk to us after (Mark was able to come with me thanks to my dear friend Theresa watching the kids), but didn't have much to say...to boil it down it could be bad or it could be good, no way to tell till we do biopsies. I need 3 biopsies, one on the lump, one to extract a calcium deposit (?) and one on my swollen lymphoid (even though it is probably swollen from my tetanus shot).

They did not have any openings in the schedule till July 5th but once again my scheduling luck prevailed and they decided to squeeze me in tomorrow, I am probably going to have to do a lot of waiting in the room for my turn but I don't care...an earlier biopsy means earlier results. If my scheduling luck keeps up I could have results as early as friday...I am hoping for that. I am ready to know, ready to prepare...ready to be done with testing.

Yes, I am posting this on my blog...mostly because I feel I need to document it but not many people read my blog. I am waiting to tell people when I have results. No point in worrying anyone outside my parents and husband till we know what is going on.

Fingers crossed I get results soon.

Walnut

I have a lump in my breast. Yep there it is in black and white...a lump. About the size of a walnut. When i told the doctor where it was, she said "Oh, that's not good" as she was making notes. I still think she thought she was going have to search for this supposed lump, but there was no searching necessary...there it is...just hanging out. She said given the size, location and my family history, she wants to get the ball rolling...but that "I do have youth on my side". I have my mammogram tomorrow so we can find out more, so we can know if it is "time to worry". As if I have not already been worrying.

I am torn on my feelings though...as crazy as it sounds. Of course I never, ever want to have to battle cancer...but if I had to, I mean if some day I am going to get it anyways...then why not now? Why not while I am young enough still to put up a good fight, while I am strong and able to recover faster. It seems like I would stand a better chance in battle now than 10 years from now.

You can never be ready for battle...never truly be prepared for a fight....we will see how tomorrow goes

I need a 12 step program

Seriously, some thing is wrong with me ....mommyhood has possessed my brain. It is Tuesday night and I am sitting at Starbucks for some much needed kid-free quiet time, time to enjoy myself and do non-mom things...so what do you ask have I spent the last 30 minutes doing????

SEARCHING THE WEB FOR THE BEST DEAL ON SQUEAKY SHOES FOR BLAKE! Seriously, my kid free time and I am searching for shoes I can not afford for Blake. I need help. Step away from the mommy brain, step away.

Refreshed

Let me start by saying . . .I love being a mom... I love being a wife. But sometimes I feel like it is all consuming and I have lost that fun girl I use to be. I feel like I am always stressing about what is going on with the kids, schedules, kids temperament, family issues and so much that it weighs on me like a weight...it smothers out the fun in me because I am too busy worrying.

Mark and I talked about this and felt we both have lost a little of the fun in our lives. We feel that our days seemed consumed with schedules, errands and tasks instead of relaxation and finding things to do we enjoy. We decided the first step in getting this back is for each of us to get some down time...some Me time! We each pick a night and get 3 hours to ourselves, to read, write or do something that let's us have a break.

Tonight was my night. It started off rocky, as Mark did not have a smooth time with Blake (who is not use to being away from Mommy). But after both kids were in bed I took off on my own to starbucks where I got a lot of reading done, got to have a few conversations without a kid interrupting and enjoyed some silence. It is amazing how just a little over an hour made me feel so refreshed. I left feeling lighter, younger, more like me and less like this uptight, frowning woman I have been lately. It was nice. I hope this continues. I hope this helps me be lighter and less stressed through out the week with my family, so I can be the fun person I want to be.

Now if we could only figure a way that Mark and I can get US time once a week. I miss time with my husband that is not interrupted by a baby crying or Maddie wanting a story. I love, love, love watching us grow as parents but I really miss just spending time with my husband too.

Titles

Tonight as I was nursing Blake before bed and listening to Maddie run around the house calling me, I began to think about the titles I have worn throughout my life. First there was daughter, which is a title that comes with love. Then there was sister, although my siblings may of felt I was a bossy pain, I loved and still love the title of sister (and sometimes Sissy). Of course there is friend which is always an honorable title. Then there came wife, this one warms my heart and gives me a great feeling of love and security. But now I have a new title...mommy. This title is something special above all the rest because it means that I brought this little life into mine and am something special to her. It really makes me feel great.