Sunday, July 01, 2012

The waiting game

I don't even know what to type really. I had hoped to get results friday but I knew the chances were slim. So now we have to wait till Monday afternoon. The uncertainty is wearing us out. As the weekend goes on both Mark and I are becoming more and more on edge. Mark has found himself loosing his patience with total strangers which is totally out of character for him. It weighs heavy on his shoulders too. I have found that my patience with Maddie and Blake is low, which is horrible since they don't understand the stress we are under now. I have told Maddie that this week we will go see a movie together because I know Mommy has been grumpy this past week. I do love her so.

We try to focus on the good stuff, the positive stuff...but it is hard not to think about the bad stuff. The what ifs, what if they call me monday and say I have cancer. I know the statistics are good for fighting it, I know I am strong enough to fight it, I know I can handle it....I am not really scared of it. But why to I still find myself fighting back tears all day. It doesn't matter how well I think I can handle it...all I can think about is how my children are going to handle it. What they are going to have to see. I remember how hard it was to watch my mother fight cancer. I was in college at the time, old enough to not act like a child...but I felt like a child watching my mother fight cancer. I don't want my children to have to watch me go through the same thing. Maddie is so sweet and sensitive. ...and VERY empathetic. She gets upset when her friends get hurt....sigh.

I keep telling myself that past history will show that every time I prepare myself for the worst, it never happens. So why should this be any different...moping around about this all week, worrying, planning, and stressing...that usually ends up being all for nothing. But it doesn't really make me feel any better. It really does not. With my family history, chances are I am going to have to face this road at some kids are going to have to see it at some point....would it be better now when I am younger and stronger or later. These are the thoughts that keep me awake, these are the thoughts that give me giant headaches.

Mark said the survival rate is 67%...that is 2/3 ...but he finished the sentence with "I mean I would not bet my life on those odds but...", it was for comedic effect and it did indeed make me laugh. But it also made me sad, because my husband who swore to death do us part is having to look up survival statistics on if his wife gets cancer, he has to worry on the what ifs too.

He also said something that I have been thinking nonstop today...."If tomorrow you get bad results, than this will be our last normal day for a while"...It's not really true, treatment would not be immediate and things will carry on as normal, but I understood what he meant...because tomorrow....well after tomorrow our normal may become different.

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