Monday, July 23, 2012

Defeated

Today I felt defeated. I hate to admit that, but at the same time I know there will be days like today.

One of my big goals is to keep the kids lives as normal as possible, which means...GET OUT OF BED, GO TO PLAYDATES, LAUGH, PLAY, KEEP OUR SCHEDULE...I capitalize those because it is how I feel, they are important so they must be capitalized.

But today I struggled keeping to those. We had plans, music class, lunch with friend and then who knows what after. I felt a little rough in the morning but I forced down breakfast and headed to music class. With in the first 5 minutes of Blake's class though I felt light headed and out of breath. The normal simple task of galloping with Blake around the room was exhausting but I made it through all 45 minutes. . . just to have to embark on another 45 minutes with Maddie's class. Luckily there was not as much physical activity in Maddie's class but I still found myself leaning up against the wall for support.

After Music we set off to Golden for lunch. My gut (and my husband) told me to just go home and go to bed...but I had plans with friend and the kids were excited...I felt I had to stick with my "keeping things normal" plan and suck it up. Lots of people work through chemo...hell I could handle some playdates.

Half way to Golden I felt like my head was throbbing, I had to squint and put one hand on the side of my face to see clearly. I felt like I was getting worse by the second but it was farther now to turn around and go home then to go forward. So forward I went.

Lunch was at one of my FAVORITE pizza places ever, there were 5 moms and 9 kids...and amazingly enough the kids were mostly on their best behavior. But I did not enjoy lunch. By the time i got my first plate I was so dizzy I could not turn my head, talking to people made me feel worse, keeping up with the kids and getting their food made me feel like just falling to the ground. To make matters worse I was so hot, I was sweating and that was making my stomach hurt and my head throb more. I felt awful because I was not doing well keeping up conversations with people I had invited out. I just couldn't focus. As soon as I was able to pay I got out of there...I didn't even wait to say goodbye to everyone, I felt if I stayed in there another second I would be laying on the floor. I got the kids in the car, changed Blake's diaper and pumped on the A/C. As I cooled off I started to feel a lot better. So much so I decided it was safe to drive home. Home was 28 minutes away....I will tell you the truth this seemed like an ETERNITY.

This is where this becomes more of a confession of guilt. About 15 minutes left into the drive I was not sure I should be driving. I had to squint to see, the sun was making my eyes water uncontrollably, which was making it even harder to see. When I had to look to change lanes I became increasingly dizzy, if I focused straight ahead and didn't shift my gaze the dizziness would go away. I should of pulled over and called Mark, I know I should of. But in my head I was trying to rationalize why I shouldn't. How would we get both cars home? What if Mark is with a client? So on and so on the stupid reasons/rationalizations went. It was stupid.

However, we luckily made it home safe and sound. I got into the house, plopped both kids onto the couch and got sick in the bathroom. A few minutes later, I got both kids into their beds for nap/quiet time and passed out myself. I was so dizzy and exhausted I couldn't do anything but close my eyes.

When I woke up I felt about 70% better. . . and even now hours later I still am a little dizzy but not near as bad as earlier.

Lesson learned is sometimes i have to be okay being defeated....sometimes I have to admit I can't do something. Sometimes I have to be okay feeling bad and not worry about letting people down. Today was a hard lesson but I feel that I learned it. Thank God I learned it with us all staying safe.

2 comments:

Mandi Kelley said...

This brought tears to my eyes. I wish I knew what to say but all I keep thinking is how strong you are. It literally makes me cry. I wish I could hug you right now.

Meghan said...

That is by far the hardest thing to do-- admit defeat. We as moms just can't seem to do it when we should & it's ok too. During my own chemo treatments I had days where I should have waved the white flag & didn't. Why?? Because we are women and feel we have something to prove. But by all means Holly, during chemo it's the one time it's ok to wave your white flag, surrender & even ask for help. Stay strong.