Sunday, July 29, 2012

Surprise....I am loved

I had lousy friends when I was younger. Friends that took turns stabbing you in the back, fair weather friends that could never be relied on, friends that used me for their own gain, friends that stole from me....or I guess you can say....not really friends. I cried myself to sleep more times than I would like to admit, praying to God..."just let me find ONE, ONE good friend that will be there for me and I promise I will be the best person you could imagine....Please God just one friend".

It makes me cry when I think back to those days, how alone I felt surrounded by groups of friends. Around high school I started to make better friends, but I didn't know what to do with them....I had been surrounded by such lousy friends for so long, I think I had forgotten how to be a good instead I bounced from clique to clique....never really staying with the same people for too long. I had good friend through this point (so if you are reading this know I did know that), I just didn't really know how to be a good friend so I just kind of kept my distance.

Over the past 5 years or so, I know this had changed...I got better at being a good friend to those who were good friends to me, I learned to open up, I learned to be myself and love those that were all weather friends. And slowly I made even better friends...friends who were good friends became great friends, ones I know that will be my friends for the rest of my life. New friends appeared and graced my life with so much love and support. I knew I had friends and I knew things had changed since I was that little kid crying for a good friend....but I think I kinda took it for granted...or at least never really stopped and thought about it.....until I was diagnosed with cancer.

Lately I have been thinking a lot about how lucky I am to have so many amazing people in my life. It is easy to have friends but still be not be sure that you are important to still not be sure that you matter. To tell you the truth when I decided to announce that I had cancer, I expected a few "I am sorry"s....a few hugs...but I never imagined the amount of support and love I have been showered with. I have said more than a dozen times that I wish everyone that was going through cancer got to feel this loved and this supported. The cards in the mail, the emails, text messages....daily I am reminded that I am important, that I am loved. I guess part of that little kid still lived inside me, because where I knew I had great friends...I never really thought about being loved by them and important to them. I guess part of me always thought that .......well that they were more important to me than I was to them. Part of that insecure kid still was inside my heart. But every day now I am reminded how lucky I am. How amazing my family is, my friends life is. I can not tell you all enough how great you all are. Even the messages on my blog from strangers make me feel important. It is one of the positive side effects of marriage is stronger, I am a better mother, my relationship with my family is stronger, and I realize that I have friends that LOVE ME. These things make it hard to sit around and feel sorry for myself....who can feel sorry for themselves with all this....cancer or no cancer. I am a happier person these days because I have such great support.

Now with all that mushy stuff out of the way....let me tell you about my day: (I am going to copy and paste my post in sweeties because it saves me time)

I have never been so surprised in my life. Friday when Nancy asked my to baby sit on Sunday Mark said "yes, but we have to be done wat 11:30 because we have an appointment" and I said "for what" which he said "just something I want to show you"...I had grand dreams he was going to surprise me with a bike. I started day dreaming about riding me new bike to the park with the kids. Then this morning when I went down stair to confirm our plans Mark started talking about how he is so excited to take me to this cigar shop (WHAT???) so we can look at these custom made humidors for his office (insert dreams crashing to the ground). Mark said "Holly, these are custom made, it will make my office looks so much nicer and high end"....Needless to say I started to get annoyed and then grumpy and quite perturbed. I said fine, "I will go look at humidors with you but if you are going to spend a few hundred dollars on something you don't need then there better be a bike for me in it" (Mark said at this point he started to think I had caught on and panicked...but I sure had not). I asked him where the cigar place was and he said wheat ridge so I stomped right upstairs and started emailing every person selling a bike near wheat ridge (10 in all). Mark had me good too, I showed him a used bike I found in Wheat Ridge and showed it to him telling him "this is nothing like I want but I guess it is cheap" and Mark said "well it might be all you get so maybe we should swing by and look at it" ...(insert last hopes of him buying me a bike crashing to the ground). So off we went to Wheat Ridge. Mark says I made his job easy. I was talking to him about Bikes on craigslist and one bike was too small so Mark said "why don't we look up bike shops in Wheat Ridge and see if we can find one to go into and get we know what size bike you will fit". I found a used bike shop to which he replied "hmmm I don't trust used bike shops" I said How about this Wheat Ridge Cyclery" ...(I think Mark was thinking BINGO) but he said "how about we give it a try". We go into WRC and start looking around for cruisers and all the sudden Maddie yells "Ellie" and I said "Maddie that's not Ellie." But then I notice it is Ellie, oh and Theresa and who is that girl beside Theresa .....Liz????? My first thought was "What the hell they are having playdates now and don't invite me. No lie that was my first thought! I said "what are you guys doing here" ...and I don't remember who said it ... I think it was Mark that said "Holly look at the balloons...(so the store put out balloons and flowers on their bikes...okay)....then he said "they bought you a bike" and I was totally confused ....totally shocked...I don't know how long it took me to get it...a few tears, I was shaking and kept saying " I can't believe you surprised me like that" ...I was just in a state of shock. I didn't know what to say but Thank You and I kept having to stop myself from continually just crying. It really started sinking in when the sales guy kept talking to me about "andrea this and andrea that" (slow me thought, dummy he doesn't even know her name is liz...until the shock subsided and I really realized what was going on). Mark told me about Heather W contacting him about it. My Sweeties* bought me a bike.I am still completely flabbergasted. It was such a complete surprise. I can not wait to go pick it up this week. Thank you so much.

*Sweeties is the online group that I joined when pregnant with Maddie over 4.5 years ago. Unlike most pregnancy groups we did not bicker and fight...we became great friends. We have remained great friends all this time, we have a group page where we go to for support, to vent, to share happy events and so much more. They really are some of my closest friends. I have met a LOT of them face to face but not all of them (as we are scattered all over the US and one in Canada). I can not imagine my life with out these amazing mamas in it.

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